Sunday Morn – Wake up Call.

Sunday is a free day in lot more ways than we care to count. It is for me at least. I wake up and first thing I do is to try and remember the fleeting glimpses of dreams I had. I have been dreaming quite a lot these days – about everything and anything. May be my mind is not getting the rest it so needs.

Well.. here is Sunday again. And I think again about the relationship I had. Now the pain is dulled, due to distance, distractions and my own denial. The thing that scares me is how I would feel once I have to face him. I talk to him now.. I still feel the same ease.. same eagerness to share and I can gauge he does the same. I told him I missed him and expected no reply .. and came none. Am i moving on or retreating? I feel the moment I am over this relationship, I would feel perfectly at ease with talking to him as a friend and yeah I do. The emotions that I used to feel for him – I have been able to bury them. For how long??

I think I have given him more space in my mind than he deserved. Baby.. its the time to move on. To build you own life.. and to live on your terms once again. I am hereby pronounce the end of burial and mourning I held for my lost love. Its sunday morn – a time to wake up.

Relationships.. still exploring

What does it mean to be in a relationship? Is it some form of binding or is it being set free? Does it require acknowledgement or can thrive without being recognized?

I have recently come out of a relationship. And yeah it was painful.. It still is and am not even sure I am out of it or not. But I have learnt my lessons the hard way. I always felt a relationship demanded nurturing, love, care and protection. I never believed in living a relationship for the sake of living it and thought so did anyone who respected himself or herself. But yeah I was proven wrong. You meet people who carry it like a cross or say so and yet are never out of it and you wonder.. what is it thats keeping them tethered to the stone. I still wonder…

I was in a relationship which did not have a future. I knew it before I got into it. It was my willing decision to let myself feel the ecstasy of being in love even if it meant bleeding my heart later. I tried to be rational.. to be determined.. to be strong and to be emotional… a dangerous cocktail. And here I am.. trying to rationalize my state. Even if I had decided against it, was it possible for me to not fall in love? Was it possible to not enjoy the company of a man who brought thrill into my life?  And Do I blame him when he moved away??

My mind says No.. he should not be blamed and my heart says yes. He had no right to make me fall in love with himself and reciprocate my feeling in equal measure. I am being selfish in saying this but heart has no reasons. What wouldn’t I give to be with him always.. everything. But the man I loved couldn’t give away anything for me… his security, his future relationship,  his comfort, not even his bloody game. May be the degree to which we were involved was different. I loved in my own world- with him, his love and my commitment to him. He lived in his own – with me, without me and his reasonings.

I know I have lost the thread of thoughts here. Would have to try making some sense out of these words later. Right now am just tired.. tired of waiting on him.. even when I know I am not getting him back or going back to him… wishing he would have called me once…. for all the love we felt for each other.

A Heart Bleeds…

The words are soundless,

The eyes have gone dry

Silence is shouting in the ears

And drowning the heart’s cry

A heart bleeds….

No blood, no wound to see

No stain that makes it ugly

Still the heart bleeds..

draining the life away.

Life and love which filled it with joy,

with despair and darkness at bay.

The heart bleeds..

No longer holding on.

No longer believing in.

No longer moving on.

Still a heart bleeds…

And I smile…

At the redness

Beautiful and warm.. turning cold..

Notes, Exams, Marks etc..

So where does it all start? Target of getting good marks or satisfaction of completing exams in a good way or the necessity of going through the age old notes or the pleasure derived from learning something new out of the garbage served in words… which one of these fits MY bill? 

May be all.. may be not even one.. 

And for others.. some people are simple enough to have one of these as their target in their life@Hell and some as complex as I – Who do not even know where one ends and the other starts.

Well… the illusion is broken and the myth shattered. Institutional system is as obsolte as it can be and yeah they talk about innovation and manifest it by having none. Enjoy the experience of non motion in time and energy.

Books and More…

I am here since June and have only finished reading two books.. what a waste!! 

Spending some time with myself these days I realised how important books are to me… books and music. I am game to any quality stuff in both respects. Today was writer unleashed in me… wrote more than 3000 words today.. yeah actually I did it. Have downloaded few books and solemnly promised myself to finish them up asap. Enjoying my first love … 

My hit list:

1) The Japanese Wife by Kunal Basu (half way thru)

2) Unbearable lightness of being by Milan Kundra

3) Ilium by Dan Simmons (half way thru)

4) The Zen and the art of motorcycle maitenance (half way thru)

5) The Great Indian Novel by Shashi Tharoor

Sounds great… and yes I plan to finish them all before the start of the next term.. thats my target baby!!

Living in the Library… How Uncool!!!

Its 1:56 am.. Tuesday morning and here I am , finding my Neverland amidst books encased in glasses. Yes Boy! I am talking about being in a library at this God damn awful hour. Third consecutive day of my life I find myself in library , wondering how did i end up here. Let me tell you my story ( of course, I know nothing as mundane as this would interest you.. but cant help being an opportunist ).

I was a simple , fun loving gal with stars in my eyes – Dnt worry I didnt want to be a film star and Thanks God U guys are saved. I decided to take CAT as I seriously and naively thought that it would make a huge difference to my career prospects. IIM L was the place I came to… liked the fast pace of life… fast but disconneted. The charm wore off very soon. The academics soon replaced everything in my life and clung to No.1 position as an aging hero to the ratings. Hmmm..speaking candidly, I had few memorable moments too. Setting up a chai bar, investing my emotions and heart in it .. having the company of my friends over a good cuppa tea.. doing all sorts of BAKAR and yeah.. music… Nothing made the days more bearable.

I still have stars in my eyes, still believe in the good thing called life.. and still have friends who make it all more appealing..

Hey .. the million dollar question still remains unanswered.. How the hell did i end up in a library at this hour. And How Uncool I can be … living in the library.

Well…. the answer is -Forget ti yaar.. I no longer remember the reason.. cool or Uncool i leave upto u to decide. Happy thinking.. .. and dnt dare strangle me in ur dreams, which i think you would love to do..I can see those teeth baring , nose flaring face… ah huh…

A race against Time and …

And Space

I joined IIML with almost no expectations… or atleast i thought so when i joined. Now reflecting over, i realize that I had expected loads of things. Life in IIM would be fun, would be rigorous and thoroughly professional.

Life here is rigorous.. much more than I had anticipated.. its fun but only if you are ready to compromise on lots of things. Opportunities do exists, but the approach is somewhat rudimentary. I had expected a more vibrant culture.. which gives u options to chose your own path.. rather make your own. And here I find myself looking down the well beaten path.. which i have no inclination to follow.

Initially all I was looking forward to, in an institute like IIM was the brand name and opportunities. Now, I am again trying to find myself.. what exactly i want to do and how. Do I want to be a part of the crowd out here? Or I wish to make my own path and follow none but myself?

I am still trying to figure out my choices and the way i wish to lead my life. I am still trying to find out what I can live with or without.. and right now the only surety i can offer myself is that i am willing to explore.. against all my inhibitions, against all my fears, against all …

Life@HELL..

Lots have been said about life@HELL.. and here I am, bringing in just another perspective.. adding another dimension to the two weeks I have experienced here.

It all started with coming to IIML campus and realizing that ur world gonna start and end here itself. A lone but beautiful campus at the outskirts of lucknow. I had hoped that soon would get time to explore the city too. Guess it was too soon to even think about it. Induction @IIML was a rushed thru exprience. Learnt a gud deal about the life thats gonna be ahead.. but hey.. it was not ALL.. There were lots of things to come. First three days had the taste of things to come. Assignments, ppts, CVs, expectations, deadlines.. woah.. quite a mouthful, isn’t it?

Still had the guts to wish and hope for peaceful days ahead.. which remain an illusion till now…

Sunday nite,oops.. Monday morn 1:36am and a class at 10:00 am the very same day.. sounds sexy na??

A Kiss… of Love.. of Pain

Fingers entwined, the soul reaches out..

eyes locked and searching..

for the love that is mine.

The tenderest of kiss speaks it all..

The skipped heartbeat.. the warm breath..

Of love and pain untold..

Of the parting that is mine.. to behold.

Yet Another Start.. the Journey to the STARS..

I have always aspired for the stars.. wished to be the best in whatever i chose. It was always about my choice.. and here I am because i chose to be. Now the real fun begins.. in terms of what i can do for myself.. the way i can shape up my life… life of people i love and live for..

The place called IIML holds so many opportunities for me.. its now about making a journey with the best of me inside out. The journey has begun and I wish to be a traveler throughout my life.. to take on another roads, visit new places and meet new people.