My days.. highs and lows

This is a blog to post about my personal feelings and emotions… public enough to be posted here and personal enough not to expect heavy traffic.

What have I learnt in the last fifteen months of my stay here??

Time to take stock :

Best things to have known-

- Meaning of friendship

- Depth of Love

- How to handle people with different perceptions

- How to manage sleep

- How to prioritize

- How to focus and unfocus

- Success is not everything in life.. it is important but not everything

Not so good things to have known

- Painful emotions

- Trust is not for everyone

- Success is all people care for

- Looks can take u places (specially if u r a girl).. admit it or not

- People DO NOT ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH.. even the people whom u think have no reason to

- How people manipulate others

These few things I have learnt.. some were painful experiences for me and some were quite informative.

The professional learnings that I carry are the highs.. Excellence in work may not translate into academics and vice – versa; No matter how high you go, humility pays; Honesty in ur work always pays the most.

The personal learnings I had were the mix of highs and lows … Found someone I loved, lost him before finding; Found the meaning of true love, friendship and trust in someone who was miles away but still beside me all the time; learnt not to let the emotions flow (last time I have allowed myself for this crime against myself );

There is but one regret – I have stopped loving myself enough here.. I really miss that part of myself. I am too afraid to be lonely here than I have been anytime in my life. I like people but I have grown to fear them too.. its the skeptic in me who has risen and I do not like it, even when I know it is going to help me survive in the big bad world.

A Heart Bleeds…

The words are soundless,

The eyes have gone dry

Silence is shouting in the ears

And drowning the heart’s cry

A heart bleeds….

No blood, no wound to see

No stain that makes it ugly

Still the heart bleeds..

draining the life away.

Life and love which filled it with joy,

with despair and darkness at bay.

The heart bleeds..

No longer holding on.

No longer believing in.

No longer moving on.

Still a heart bleeds…

And I smile…

At the redness

Beautiful and warm.. turning cold..

Notes, Exams, Marks etc..

So where does it all start? Target of getting good marks or satisfaction of completing exams in a good way or the necessity of going through the age old notes or the pleasure derived from learning something new out of the garbage served in words… which one of these fits MY bill? 

May be all.. may be not even one.. 

And for others.. some people are simple enough to have one of these as their target in their life@Hell and some as complex as I – Who do not even know where one ends and the other starts.

Well… the illusion is broken and the myth shattered. Institutional system is as obsolte as it can be and yeah they talk about innovation and manifest it by having none. Enjoy the experience of non motion in time and energy.

Books and More…

I am here since June and have only finished reading two books.. what a waste!! 

Spending some time with myself these days I realised how important books are to me… books and music. I am game to any quality stuff in both respects. Today was writer unleashed in me… wrote more than 3000 words today.. yeah actually I did it. Have downloaded few books and solemnly promised myself to finish them up asap. Enjoying my first love … 

My hit list:

1) The Japanese Wife by Kunal Basu (half way thru)

2) Unbearable lightness of being by Milan Kundra

3) Ilium by Dan Simmons (half way thru)

4) The Zen and the art of motorcycle maitenance (half way thru)

5) The Great Indian Novel by Shashi Tharoor

Sounds great… and yes I plan to finish them all before the start of the next term.. thats my target baby!!

Living in the Library… How Uncool!!!

Its 1:56 am.. Tuesday morning and here I am , finding my Neverland amidst books encased in glasses. Yes Boy! I am talking about being in a library at this God damn awful hour. Third consecutive day of my life I find myself in library , wondering how did i end up here. Let me tell you my story ( of course, I know nothing as mundane as this would interest you.. but cant help being an opportunist ).

I was a simple , fun loving gal with stars in my eyes – Dnt worry I didnt want to be a film star and Thanks God U guys are saved. I decided to take CAT as I seriously and naively thought that it would make a huge difference to my career prospects. IIM L was the place I came to… liked the fast pace of life… fast but disconneted. The charm wore off very soon. The academics soon replaced everything in my life and clung to No.1 position as an aging hero to the ratings. Hmmm..speaking candidly, I had few memorable moments too. Setting up a chai bar, investing my emotions and heart in it .. having the company of my friends over a good cuppa tea.. doing all sorts of BAKAR and yeah.. music… Nothing made the days more bearable.

I still have stars in my eyes, still believe in the good thing called life.. and still have friends who make it all more appealing..

Hey .. the million dollar question still remains unanswered.. How the hell did i end up in a library at this hour. And How Uncool I can be … living in the library.

Well…. the answer is -Forget ti yaar.. I no longer remember the reason.. cool or Uncool i leave upto u to decide. Happy thinking.. .. and dnt dare strangle me in ur dreams, which i think you would love to do..I can see those teeth baring , nose flaring face… ah huh…

A race against Time and …

And Space

I joined IIML with almost no expectations… or atleast i thought so when i joined. Now reflecting over, i realize that I had expected loads of things. Life in IIM would be fun, would be rigorous and thoroughly professional.

Life here is rigorous.. much more than I had anticipated.. its fun but only if you are ready to compromise on lots of things. Opportunities do exists, but the approach is somewhat rudimentary. I had expected a more vibrant culture.. which gives u options to chose your own path.. rather make your own. And here I find myself looking down the well beaten path.. which i have no inclination to follow.

Initially all I was looking forward to, in an institute like IIM was the brand name and opportunities. Now, I am again trying to find myself.. what exactly i want to do and how. Do I want to be a part of the crowd out here? Or I wish to make my own path and follow none but myself?

I am still trying to figure out my choices and the way i wish to lead my life. I am still trying to find out what I can live with or without.. and right now the only surety i can offer myself is that i am willing to explore.. against all my inhibitions, against all my fears, against all …

Life@HELL..

Lots have been said about life@HELL.. and here I am, bringing in just another perspective.. adding another dimension to the two weeks I have experienced here.

It all started with coming to IIML campus and realizing that ur world gonna start and end here itself. A lone but beautiful campus at the outskirts of lucknow. I had hoped that soon would get time to explore the city too. Guess it was too soon to even think about it. Induction @IIML was a rushed thru exprience. Learnt a gud deal about the life thats gonna be ahead.. but hey.. it was not ALL.. There were lots of things to come. First three days had the taste of things to come. Assignments, ppts, CVs, expectations, deadlines.. woah.. quite a mouthful, isn’t it?

Still had the guts to wish and hope for peaceful days ahead.. which remain an illusion till now…

Sunday nite,oops.. Monday morn 1:36am and a class at 10:00 am the very same day.. sounds sexy na??

A Kiss… of Love.. of Pain

Fingers entwined, the soul reaches out..

eyes locked and searching..

for the love that is mine.

The tenderest of kiss speaks it all..

The skipped heartbeat.. the warm breath..

Of love and pain untold..

Of the parting that is mine.. to behold.

Yet Another Start.. the Journey to the STARS..

I have always aspired for the stars.. wished to be the best in whatever i chose. It was always about my choice.. and here I am because i chose to be. Now the real fun begins.. in terms of what i can do for myself.. the way i can shape up my life… life of people i love and live for..

The place called IIML holds so many opportunities for me.. its now about making a journey with the best of me inside out. The journey has begun and I wish to be a traveler throughout my life.. to take on another roads, visit new places and meet new people.

Back to School..!!!

Finally the results are out… Have made it to  I, K  and L… after a bit of indecision, it is finally L.. And have started having butterflies in my tummy. Classes, assignment and exams.. uff. Lets c how i fair.. am actually keeping my fingers crossed and have lots of anticipation… Am excited too.. loads of opportunity and choosing sthng i wud love to do for the rest of my life